In the 1964 comedy,Rattle of a Simple Man, a Northerner (in 1964 a synonym for a simpleton to the London elite) goes to visit a prostitute because of a bet he has with his mates (down in London to watch a football match) who think he he is impotent with fear. He spends the night just chatting with the sex-worker Cyrene (a play on ‘siren’ of course). Here is a playful queer version where a nervous man in his seventies, who can not come out as queer because he says, ‘his work as a teacher makes him vulnerable’. In truth, he is nervous of his own desires for men. The man’s queer friends bet that Herbert could not spend the night with a young man to prove himself. Then they see a rent boy they know in the club.
The lights come on to reveal the scene in a dingy Soho flat with Herbert nervously led in by a young person in torn jeans (perhaps a fashion statement – who knows) called Leslie:
LESLIE:
You say you're new to this, me too my sweet,
The men who come here have one thing in mind.
There is no reason though, we can't be kind
To each other, the whole night long and eat
Our words not each other. Of course I need
To know you better, but there's nothing you
Could do to upset me. There's nothing new
That you could want - nothing under the sun
So for me list five things you do for fun.
HERBERT:
I paid up front. There's naught I now could lose.
My bet's a safe one. They are not to know
I didn't find fun at last, even more.
Maybe they'd think I might have knelt on sore
Knees (age is a bugger) so I might blow
You - you'd allow that I suppose. But now
I'm here, I have no desire of that sort.
Maybe you'll despise me, but I just thought
That of those five things in my list, I vow
I'd rather at your kind face just look, hand
You a full mug of tea, lovingly gaze
At your male lips as they talk now to raise
my blasted self-esteem from dirty sand
Mixed in my concrete front, with terror hard
Lest I be seen as soft, a pervert, fruit,
as queer as a nine-pound note, one mad coot.
An old sad man, my milk of kindness is barred
Entry to your soft heart. Now let me in!
LESLIE:
I have counted the things for which you long
(For your rich speech is like unto the song
of needy starvelings) and so far (my skin
is thin and I teared up) I only can count
Four things. You need another one new thing
That I could give you now tonight. Now sing
Again, fot at your voice my love does mount
A charger. Men only want crude raw sex
In here usually, but you want love.
HERBERT;
That's my fifth thing, alighting like a dove.
It's impossible my dream. But now let's
Pretend we are in love, breaking through years
That chime with loves lost during all those tears.
HERBERT & LESLIE KISS AND FALL ASLEEP
IN THE MORNING THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT.
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